


And They Say Romance is Dead

by TheMuchTooMerryMaiden



Series: The only way that each can help the other [13]
Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Developing Relationship, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-25
Updated: 2012-02-11
Packaged: 2017-10-30 03:07:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/327093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMuchTooMerryMaiden/pseuds/TheMuchTooMerryMaiden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A trip to the North to the scenes of Robbie's past...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Right Sergeant, that’s you on leave then for the next week!” Robbie said as the James plucked his jacket from the back of his chair and shrugged it on.

“And you as well, sir!” James grinned. He suited grinning in the opinion of Robbie Lewis, it took ten years off him and made Robbie feel like the luckiest cradle snatcher in the world.

“Got anything planned, Hathaway?”

“You know, I’m not sure, I think my boyfriend may have planned something, but he’s being so damned secretive I really don’t know what to expect!”

“Keeps you on your toes does he?”

“Oh, you could say that, sir!”

“Well, I hope it’s something good!”

“Me too!”

It had taken the two of them no time to slip into a routine which at least preserved the illusion that nothing much had changed, and Robbie supposed, really nothing much had changed, they would both of them, hand on heart be able to say that they weren’t sleeping with each other in the usual meaning of the phrase, if anyone official had found out. But they were sleeping together except for the nights that James spent at his own flat and on those nights neither of them slept. It amused Robbie to think that if anyone at work were taking notice they would probably get the whole thing the wrong way about and conclude that those were the nights when they’d been keeping each other up. 

And that was another thing. Suddenly his mind was seeing the double entendre in everything. Simple sentences that he knew a few months earlier he wouldn’t even have noticed now made him blush and do more than blush. It was like being a bloody teenager again, and that thought made him grin fiercely. Over the last couple of months not a lot had changed but their kisses were getting more and more passionate. Robbie had sworn to himself that he would let James make the pace, too many people had forced James in his short life, Robbie was not going to be one of them. That said Robbie had high hopes of the week’s leave they both had coming.

Their established routine meant that Robbie got home first; James took the longer route home and sometimes called in at his own flat to check the mail and make sure the ceiling hadn’t fallen in during his absence. Unlocking the door Robbie walked straight into their bedroom. _When did I start thinking of this as our bedroom_ , Robbie asked himself as he got changed. Getting changed out of his work clothes on the first evening he was on leave was one of the great feelings of life, Robbie reflected as he pulled on a t-shirt and then his oldest, rattiest jeans. He heard the front door open and was aware of a feeling of relaxation and the sudden realisation that home didn’t feel like home anymore until James was there with him. It was a revelation to him and in the shock of it he sat down on the bed. He still had a stupefied grin on his face when James walked into the room.

James took in the look on Robbie’s face,

“What’s up with you, then?” he asked,

“Nothing. It’s just that you’re home, we’re home.” James gave him a slightly puzzled look but couldn’t seem to help himself but grin as well. Robbie could see the thought processes on James’ face, could see him think about it, could see his own earlier revelation on James’ face. And then with a breathtaking suddenness James was in front of him hauling him up from the bed and kissing him.

It was a passionate kiss, with almost a harshness and a need that Robbie knew was in James but seldom experienced. It made Robbie’s knees weak and the two of them collapsed to the bed without breaking the kiss. James’ hands tangled in Robbie’s hair as he just gave way to the feeling in him in a way that he didn’t usually allow himself. As for Robbie, the feeling of being held underneath James, the feeling of James’ muscular body weight holding him down was doing amazing things to his libido. 

It had never occurred to him that feeling overpowered would be a turn on to him, never occurred to him until the time after their walk on the canal when he’d walked into James’ arms and felt the sheer strength of the lad even in his weakened state. Since then it had been all he could think of; all of his fantasies since that moment had dwelled on the strength and power of the lad. And now here he was on their bed fully underneath James who it would seem was finding this just as arousing. James had begun to suck on Robbie’s tongue and the possessive feeling of it made Robbie moan and gasp into his mouth. Without any conscious thought Robbie spread his legs slightly so that James fit more snugly against him and his hand strayed down James’ back until he was holding his arse and encouraging James to rock into him.

James pulled away slightly and Robbie was able to see the ridiculously lascivious look on the lad’s face as James tugged on his hair in order to bare Robbie’s neck before he began to suck and bite at the exposed flesh. Robbie knew that he would be marked and the thought made him squirm against James, spreading his legs further apart and pulling James even closer to him. And suddenly and infinitely frustratingly he felt James tense up; he could feel the actual moment when the jolt of adrenaline hit. Quickly as he could he let go of James making sure that he was not in any way restraining him and James was quickly stood up, moving towards the bathroom with a muttered, 

“Sorry,”

Robbie flopped back against the bed and once he was sure that James would not hear he sighed. The problem was that not only did Robbie not know what would trigger James, neither did James. Often James couldn’t even say after the fact what it was that had triggered him. Robbie’s extensive and secretive reading on the subject didn’t really help all that much. It seemed that either there were some things that James didn’t consciously remember or that he was unprepared to tell Robbie about. That thought really made Robbie recoil; the things that James had already told him were bad enough, if there were worse things that he couldn’t bring himself to talk about Robbie didn’t even want to think about them. The one thing he was sure of was that it wasn’t religious scruples anymore, James had assured him of that and Robbie believed him. Oh, well, the one thing his reading had led him to believe was that it would take time, patience and love, and those he had in abundance. Sighing again he stood up, smoothed his rumpled hair and went to make a brew.

 

Later that evening the two of them were sat companionably in the living room, with an old film on the television, when James asked,

“So, seriously, what has my boyfriend got planned for my leave then?”

“Well actually, I thought we might take a little trip, just a couple of nights. I want to show you the sights of Newcastle!”

“A trip to Newcastle,” James grinned, “and they say romance is dead!”

“Shut up, you sarky bastard,” was Robbie’s cheerful reply. He had in mind to say more but James shoved up next to him on the sofa and kissed him instead. While it was nowhere near as passionate a kiss as earlier it was reassuring to Robbie that James seemed to be calming down more quickly after each ‘incident’, he was no longer seeing them as the end of everything as he had the first few times. James pulled away slightly,

“Are we going tomorrow?”

“I thought we would, drive up, stay somewhere midway, hit Newcastle on Sunday. What do you think?”

“Sounds good to me. Do you want to call in on Lyn? I can amuse myself for a while if you do.”

“Well,” and James immediately picked up on the nervousness in Robbie’s tone, “I wouldn’t mind, but I wouldn’t want you to make yourself scarce if we do.” James sat back, and brought his thumb nail to his mouth, a sure give away of either nerves or abstraction. “Look we don’t have to see her at all, it’s not like she’d know we’d been passing. But if we do go and see her then I think I want to tell her, you know, about us.”

“Are you sure? I mean I know I said I didn’t like hiding things but, you know, this is one of your kids. How do you think she’ll take it? I don’t even know if she’s younger or older than me! No wait, yes I do, she’s a little bit older isn’t she?”

“Yeah, that’s right; she’s a little bit older. I think she’ll be OK with it. She’s lived out in the big wild world for some time now,” Robbie’s voice petered out at the expression of extreme nervousness on James’ face, “Look, bonny lad, I think it’ll be fine or I wouldn’t do this; and you know what? It doesn’t really matter, I love you, it’s that simple, Lyn and Mark can either lump it or like it.”

“Yeah,” James said still nibbling at his thumbnail, “but I don’t want to be the cause of any grief, I’m not w...” Robbie interrupted him, anger clearly showing on his face,

“Don’t even think about saying you’re not worth it, OK? I don’t want ever, ever to hear that from you. Promise me.”

“But...”

“Promise me!”

“OK,” but James still looked so lost and worried that Robbie pulled him into his arms,

“I love you, James; you’re worth anything to me. Do you understand? I’ll admit if the kids were still ... kids ... I might feel different about it, but they’re all grown up, lives of their own, I shouldn’t think you and me’ll be a blip on their horizons. So we either visit Lyn as a couple or we bypass Manchester, what’s it to be?” James took a deep breath before he replied,

“Yeah, let’s go and see Lyn.”

 

Sleep did not come easily to James that night. His mind was filled with the several million ways in which the next day could go wrong. Whatever way he tried to picture this meeting in his mind he couldn’t help reflecting on what a shock it was going to be for Lyn. And what about her other half, even if Lyn was open minded about her dad being bi or gay or whatever, there was no guarantee that her husband wouldn’t be a screaming homophobe. And all that was without the age difference which was enough on its own, most daughters would recoil at the idea of their dad with someone younger than themselves. After a solid two hours of this James decided that he should get up before he woke Robbie up. When he got to the bedroom door he turned to look at Robbie sleeping peacefully and all he could think was how can he possibly be this confident about it all? How is he not awake worrying about tomorrow? 

James finally fell asleep on the sofa in the living room with the television on quietly at about half –three and woke to the smell of toast and coffee at half seven,

“Did you get any sleep?” Robbie asked handing him a plate of toast.

“A little bit. Sorry I was tossing and turning and I didn’t want to wake you.”

“It’s OK pet, but don’t make a habit of it, I hate waking up without you.”

 

Driving north on one of the first nice early spring Saturdays when everyone seemed to have been overcome with the urge to see Wordsworth’s bloody daffodils was hell on wheels. It hadn’t occurred to either Robbie or James that the roads would be busy, but after they got onto the M42 they didn’t manage above 30 miles an hour until they got past Wolverhampton. Their slow pace really didn’t help with the nerves that they were both feeling and the tension spread out in the car. 

Once they got to where the traffic was less dense and they were able to travel at a decent speed it was like a weight had been lifted. James reached across from the passenger seat and fiddled with the radio trying to find something that would suit both of them but he really couldn’t.

“Shall we stop at the next service station?” Robbie asked.

“Yeah, I could do with stretching my legs,” James replied. He was getting quite anxious now it seemed that for him just to front up at Lyn’s with Robbie would be possibly the worst way to find out about her dad and him, she should at least have some time to prepare; however he couldn’t find the words to ask Robbie to at least ring her before they got there.

Robbie could tell that James had been about to say something else but had changed his mind,

“What were you going to say?” he asked.

“What are you now, a mind reader?” James asked with a smile.

“No, just a Hathaway watcher of long standing. Spit it out.” James still hesitated and Robbie spoke again,

“Come on, pet, don’t keep me in suspense.” James sighed,

“I just think you ought to ring Lyn and at least give her some sort of heads up that we’re coming.” James looked round at Robbie; trying to gauge his reaction as well as he could from the side view. Robbie rocked his head slowly from side to side trying to release some of the tension he was feeling,

“Aye, you could be right at that. I’ll ring when we stop.”

 

When James had mentally pictured Robbie ringing Lyn he most certainly had not been there and only able to hear one side of the conversation, it meant that all he could do was to try and guess from Robbie’s responses what it was that Lyn was saying. They were sat at a picnic table outside, a concession towards James’ still not abandoned smoking habit.

“Hiya, Lyn, pet, it’s your dad. How are you lot then?”

There was a pause while Lyn told him how she and the family were, so far so good, James thought and then tensed up when he heard Robbie’s tone of voice change slightly,

“About that,”

She’d asked him if he’d rung for any particular reason, James decided,

“I’m going to be passing Manchester later, will you be in if we call?”

 _Oh, subtle, Robbie,_ James thought, _slipping that_ ‘we’ _in there._ His heart was actually pounding. No matter what Robbie said this was a big deal. He’d promised Robbie that he wouldn’t say he wasn’t worth it but the one thing he’d promised himself was that he wouldn’t cost Robbie anything; Robbie wouldn’t lose anything because of James if he could possibly help it.

“Me and James, you know my sergeant ... No, love it’s not for a case we’re just taking a trip back home, so I can show him the scene of my youthful crimes.”

 _A long pause this time, I wish I could hear what she was saying, or maybe I don’t_. It suddenly struck James what a personal thing this trip was; Robbie wanting to share with him bits of his life before James had even been born and now introducing him to one of his kids.

“Well, yeah, there is a reason, you see,” Robbie paused, 

_Short pause,_

“I’ll tell you all about it when I get there.” 

_Very short pause_

“About an hour and a half. Is that OK? We’ll see you then.”

Robbie thumbed the disconnect button of his phone.

“So,” James asked trying desperately hard to mask his nervousness, “did she not think it was weird that I was coming with you?”

“Well, naturally she was a bit surprised. Although she did mention that she’d notice how much more I was talking about you.”

“Yeah, I think that’s what’ll give us away at work in the end, the amount each of us talks about the other.”

“Aye, Laura warned me about talking about you too much the first day you were back at work. She said I got a ‘foolish fond’ look on my face when I mentioned you.” Robbie smiled and James leaned across the table to give him a peck on the cheek,

“King Lear.” James remarked as they walked back to the car and with the play identified Robbie found himself wondering for the first time whether he was just being a mad old man; was that why the quote had come to Laura’s mind?

 

The phone call to Lyn had made James feel a little bit better but it had made Robbie feel considerably worse, he almost wished he’d broken the full news to Lyn over the phone and in fact he’d intended to but he hadn’t been able to when it came to it, the news was too big to deliver when he couldn’t see her face. However, that left him with breaking the news when he got there and how in the hell was he going to do that? 

‘Hi Lyn, this is James my boyfriend’? 

Or perhaps, 

‘Lyn, I’d like you to meet James, he’s going to be your step-father’? 

That last thought shocked him so much that he actually swerved the car slightly,

“What was that?” James asked and since Robbie knew he hadn’t been looking out of the windscreen he merely said,

“Some sort of small animal in the road. Sorry to make you jump,” and then went back to the contemplations that the phrase ‘step-father’ had conjured up: _we could get married. Well, civil-partnered, or whatever. I want to marry him. I actually want to marry another man._ For all it had been months that they’d been together this way of looking at things suddenly made the whole thing seem much more real. _We could be married, I could be introducing him as, this is James, my husband._ Robbie felt a silly grin spreading over his face, my husband! He settled into a tremendous feeling of contentment, even this was James’ fault, if he hadn’t suggested calling on Lyn, god alone knew how long it would have taken him to come up with the idea. _I’m just so bloody lucky to have him,_ Robbie thought, and reached a hand out to squeeze his knee. James looked round, smiling and Robbie simply said, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

 

“Well, here we are,” Robbie said as he pulled up outside Lyn’s house. Personally Robbie was still basking in the light of his earlier revelation and in among trying to think of the best way to ask James to marry him he was much less worried about talking to Lyn. James however had just continued to worry for the last hour and a bit; by now the lad was looking distinctly peaky. Robbie took his hand,

“It’ll be fine,” he said with conviction, “let’s go.”

Lyn launched herself at her father as soon as she opened the door and Robbie for his part swept her up into his arms in a tight embrace and the first emotion James felt in his relationship with Lyn was pure unalloyed envy; he envied her happy childhood, he envied her growing up with a father that loved her and a mother who supported her. For just a second he wondered what he’d be like now if his family had been in any way normal. Then Robbie was making introductions,

“Lyn, this is James Hathaway,”

“Come in, James!” Lyn beamed, stepping aside for both of them to walk past her into the hall, “Just go into the lounge, the baby’s asleep, but she’ll wake up any time now for a feed.” As they went into the lounge, Robbie naturally went directly to the carry-cot to look in at his granddaughter, carefully bending over the cot, close enough to see her properly, far enough away to be sure not to wake her. James knew that Robbie regretted that he didn’t see enough of his granddaughter, but there were 150 miles between Oxford and Manchester and leave was scarce (and, thought James, he spends the time with me). Robbie called him over,

“Come here, love and meet our Eve.”

Feeling more than slightly out of place James walked over to the cot and looked down. She really was beautiful, with ridiculously long dark lashes and her grandfather’s hair and ears. James wondered if anyone else would even notice the ears, probably no one else had spent as much time staring at Robbie as he had.

“She’s beautiful,” he breathed, concerned that he shouldn’t wake her.

“That she is,” replied Lyn from behind them, “she has her granddad’s hair, I reckon.”

“I was just thinking the same,” James said colouring slightly as he turned to smile at Lyn, “it looks better on her!”

“Oy, you, less of that,” Robbie grinned at him before turning to Lyn, “she’s grown a lot.” His tone was almost accusatory, as if growing quickly was something Eve and Lyn had cooked up between them to get at him.

“They do that, you know,” Lyn said, “if you’re getting things right!”

“Aye, I know. Come here love!” and he gathered Lyn up into another rib-cracking hug.

 

Robbie hadn’t taken much persuading to stay for tea and Lyn’d been nothing but bright and chatty with James and to be honest James had found it a little difficult since he had no idea what Lyn either knew or surmised about his and Robbie’s relationship. And now here he was left literally holding the baby while Robbie and Lyn did the washing up. The strange thing about it was that Eve seemed to have taken to James. 

She’d woken up part way through tea and Lyn had casually sat the baby on her knee and handed her a slice of cucumber which she’d happily gnawed on as she looked between the three adults. The only children James had ever had any dealings with had been his much younger cousins and they had never had the calmness that Eve possessed and it had taken him a while to realise that she was calm because she was secure; she expected good and interesting things from the people around her because that was what she’d always experienced.

In the same way she had happily been passed to James while Lyn and Robbie had cleared the table, suddenly smiling at him with a grin that was so like her granddad’s that James’ heart had skipped a beat,

“See,” Robbie said, “she likes you!” James looked up and met Robbie’s eyes and for a moment he realised what Laura Hobson had meant about a foolish fond look. He coloured slightly before replying,

“Yes, well, she doesn’t know me does she?” he didn’t need to look back at Robbie to know that the look he was now getting would be entirely less approving, Robbie had started to take the way James casually put himself down quite personally of late and James tried to avoid saying such things even if he found it next to impossible to stop thinking them. James started talking to Eve almost as a distraction. He had no idea how one was supposed to talk to a baby so instead he just spoke to her as he would speak to anyone else,

“Hello, Eve, my name is James. How are you?” Eve grinned at him again and he continued to chat to her while Robbie and Lyn took the plates and cutlery into the kitchen, falling into an obvious routine and finally shutting the door behind them. “Well, Eve, I wonder how that conversation’s going to go? What do you think? Do you think your mum knows? Do you think she’ll approve? Well, yes, I know you approve, you just want people to be happy like you, don’t you, but it’s going to be harder for your mum. You’ll feel the same yourself when you’re older, you’ll be embarrassed at the thought of your mum and dad, let alone your granddad. No, you say? Well, maybe not. Let’s hope we get to find out, shall we? One thing I promise, I won’t take your granddad away from you, he won’t have to choose between us. If Lyn can’t cope I’ll step away, he needs his family and you need him.” James held Eve to him rocking her gently while he tried hard not to think about the conversation going on in the next room.

 

Robbie and Lyn had done the washing up after tea together for years when she lived at home. It had been their time when Robbie wasn’t stuck at work trailing after Morse who never could remember that other people had families. They chatted for a while with Robbie asking about his granddaughter and generally how things were going, but conversation petered out. Finally Robbie asked the question that was at the front of his mind,

“So what do you think of James, then?”

“Oh,” Lyn said, rather too casually, “he seems very nice. You’ve been working with him ever since you got back from Tortola haven’t you?”

“Yeah, that’s right. Not sure I wouldn’t have retired if he hadn’t come along at the opportune moment.” They continued to wash up but now there was a tension in the air. Robbie was content to give Lyn time but after the third time she almost started speaking but couldn’t quite get the words out he took pity on her,

“Spit it out, lass, what d’ye want to know?”

Lyn turned from the sink reaching out to dry her hands on the tea towel he held. She looked up at him very briefly, not quite able to meet his eyes and then looked away. Robbie kept a hold on the horrible sinking feeling in his gut.

“How long has this been going on?” Lyn asked in a restrained tone of voice, clearly trying to keep everything emotionally neutral. It wasn’t the reaction that Robbie had been hoping for but equally, it could be worse, she could be shouting.

“A few months although there’s probably less going on than you’re assuming.”

“I don’t know. Are you two together?”

“Yes, I’m fairly sure we’ll be together for the foreseeable future.” As Lyn looked up to his face he could see the worry in her face and then it all seemed to come bursting out of her,

“He’s so young, dad, how can this possibly work?” It was a stupid feeling but what he really wanted to do was to laugh out loud, somehow _he’s too young_ seemed so much easier to deal with than _he’s a he._ Robbie cleared his throat,

“Is his age your only issue?” he asked. Lyn didn’t answer straight away, turning to pick up a plate from the sink and wash it.

“You know mum and I had a lot of time to talk, probably a lot more ‘girl time’ than most mothers and daughters, what with your work. We talked about everything.” She turned to face Robbie again, “One night we got to talking about crushes. It was when I had the most enormous crush on Michael Denton, do you remember?”

“Do I!” he grinned, “There was a couple of months when you never talked about anyone else. What happened to him?”

“I’ll tell you later. Anyway, I was talking to mum about him and how he was my best friend and we could talk about anything and how I knew he liked me but somehow he just wouldn’t make a move and how some people said he might be gay. Mum got this funny look on her face a kind of secret smile and I wasn’t going to let that go. I nagged and nagged her to explain why she’d smiled like that and finally she told me. She said that when she’d first met you she’d taken one look at you and decided you were the one. She asked one of her mates about you and they laughed at her and told her you were queer. Then she told me that she took some time to watch you and you did seem to be interested in some of the lads but she decided that it was ‘only fair’ to give you a chance. I was shocked but she also said you’d never so much as looked at anyone else male or female.” She paused, “Have you always fancied blokes?”

“Yes and No,” Lyn scowled at him like she’d done when she was a teenager and Robbie held up his hands placatingly, “I’ve always known I could like men and women in the abstract but in reality, since I met your mother I’ve ‘fancied’ precisely two people, your mam and James. It’s not about categories, it’s about people. It took me an age to accept how I felt about James he waited for so long, he claims he fell for me the moment he saw me!”

“What,” she asked, “and in all that time he’s been focused on you?”

“So he says. I think he made a couple of attempts to distract himself with women, coming to terms with all this hasn’t been very easy for him.”

“Well, then,” Lyn said, “it’s not really been going on for just a few months then has it?”

“No I suppose not. So what do you think?” There was a long pause and Robbie tried to relax, to prepare himself for whatever Lyn’s reaction was going to be. Finally, she smiled and spoke,

“I think that I hope you’ll be happy.”

Robbie took the last plate out of her hand and pulled her into his arms and hugged her,

“Thanks love, you don’t know what this means to me.”

“But you wouldn’t have given him up if I’d made a fuss, would you?”

“Honestly love, I don’t think I could. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, don’t be, you couldn’t have said anything that would make me give up Stephen either. Oh and I wasn’t as lucky with Michael as mum was with you, he was definitely, unequivocally gay, he lives with a lecturer from the University.”

 

Lyn had asked them if they wanted to stay but Robbie had decided they should push on and use the hotel booking they’d made, as he explained to James as they drove away, Lyn was all right with everything but there wasn’t anything to be gained by pushing the issue. For the next forty odd miles to Skipton Robbie buzzed with curiosity about what Lyn had said to James when she’d managed to get him on his own. It was occupying James’ mind as well.

After their conversation over the washing up it was clear to James that Robbie had told her about them and that it had gone relatively well. They’d all settled down with a brew and the conversation between father and daughter had been general and light hearted and it had all seemed so strange to James who had very little model for a family that got on well together and he found himself waiting for either Lyn or Robbie to say the wrong thing and for the arguments and recriminations to begin. It was even worse when he got drawn into the conversation himself, what if he said the wrong thing and screwed everything up? As a consequence he’d worried that he was coming off as surly or stupid or both. When Lyn got up to put Eve down for her nap he hadn’t even been able to come up with anything to say to Robbie, everything that he thought he might say sounded stupid or worse in his head and so he didn’t say anything. Lyn returned after ten minutes with a request that Robbie go upstairs to say good night to his granddaughter; she couldn’t have been more transparent but there wasn’t anything that either of them could object to. As soon as Robbie left the room Lyn had turned to James,

“Do you love him?” she asked.

“Yes.” James paused, swallowing nervously, “I’ve loved him for so long. I can’t remember when he wasn’t the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing at night.” Again he paused, “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, don’t be sorry,” Lyn replied with a small sigh, “I’ve hoped that he’d find someone; that he wouldn’t be on his own. I will admit you aren’t what I pictured,” the two of them exchanged a grin, “but you love him and he loves you. There can’t be too much wrong with that.”

“You’ve been unbelievably reasonable about this,” James said, “thank you.”

“Just look after him, please. I was so worried about him when mum died. Has he told you about the drinking?”

“Yeah, he mentioned it, but it doesn’t seem to be a problem.”

“No, maybe not, but it was for a while, that’s why he took the posting to the Virgin Islands. When he came back I was afraid he’d fall right back into the same pattern. I think I have you to thank for the fact that he didn’t.”

“He would have been all right, but I’m glad I was there if I helped even a little.” There was a long pause and they could both hear Robbie talking to Eve although they couldn’t make out the words.

“I will look after him,” James said finally, “for as long as he’ll let me. Forever.”

 

And it was that ‘Forever’ that was occupying James’ mind as they left the motorway and headed for the small market town. The countryside here was nothing like the countryside at home, it was rugged and bleak, the beauty in it the beauty of strength and fight and determination and James saw none of it as he wrestled with new ideas and old ideas and the prospect of ‘forever’.

 

The guest house when they got to it was a Georgian house built from the local millstone grit and standing four-square and solid, proof against anything the climate could throw at it. Robbie had done some research before booking the place, trying to make sure that no one was going to look too askance at two men sharing a room. It had amused him so much that he’d nearly told James earlier what he had planned, the desire to show him the listings which said that not only were some of the hotels gay friendly, but you could bring your dog or kids as well was nearly too much for him. They got to their room and dumped their cases and then decided to go out for a look round the town and to find something to eat. James was still in an abstracted mood, replying to what Robbie said but not really initiating any conversational topics of his own; by the end of the evening it had really begun to make Robbie feel apprehensive, what on earth was it that Lyn said?

When they got back to their room Robbie was on edge enough to decide that he ought to ask James what was going on, even if he was beginning to be sure that he didn’t want to know the answer.

“We should get an early night, do you think?” he asked James.

“Yeah,” he replied, “we probably should.” James paused, apparently on the point of saying something, but didn’t continue. Robbie took a deep breath,

“What’s the matter, pet? You’ve been away with the fairies ever since we left Manchester. Did Lyn say something that upset you?”

“What? Oh, sorry, no Lyn was lovely, I couldn’t have asked for meeting her to go better, it was great, better than great,” James’ speech wound down without him ever really finishing the sentence. Robbie continued determined now to know what was going on particularly since he knew that he would never sleep while he was worrying what was up with James,

“So what is it, then?”

“You’ve been so brave through all of this.” Whatever Robbie had been expecting, this wasn’t it, and somehow the vision of him as brave seemed so unlikely that he had to stifle a laugh,

“What’ve I had to be brave about? You’re the one who’s been brave about it all, confronting things in your past...” James interrupted him,

“No, really, I’ve known what I wanted forever, you’re the one who’s taken all the big steps, made the big changes, you’re the one who talked me out of giving up on us, you’re the one who said things first, every time, and the last thing in the world I’d want you to think would be that I was somehow less into this than you are, that it’s less important to me.”

“I’ve never thought that, love, not once. Come here,” Robbie held his arms open and James walked into his embrace. It still felt peculiar to James to be held, hugs had not been a conspicuous part of his upbringing and if he was honest the person before Robbie who had most often cuddled him had been Augustus and he knew that it was a recognition of this fact that most often made him freeze when he and Robbie were close to each other. Tonight however he was determined that he would not pull away if he could possibly avoid it. Too late though he realised that he had thought about the past too much, and he was beginning to feel the familiar surge of adrenaline, a flight instinct was telling him to get away; his body remembered being hurt far too well.

Robbie knew the signs well and slackened his hold on James when he felt him tense up, but James stayed where he was and slowly Robbie felt him relax. Robbie wanted to shout hallelujah, he wanted to make a fuss but he knew that would be the wrong thing, that it would still be perfectly possible to spook James and ruin this minor breakthrough. There was a limit however to how long they could stand kissing without it becoming uncomfortable for both of them. James finally broke their increasingly fevered clinch,

“Let’s go to bed, shall we?” he asked. It was Robbie’s turn to be flustered...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, plotwise you could probably skip this bit if you so chose, it's fairly graphic and if two men together bothers you then you should skip it (and by the way if two men together does bother you, how did you get this far?). Emotions-wise it needs to be there... Don't say you weren't warned.

“Let’s go to bed, shall we?” he asked. It was Robbie’s turn to be flustered...

“What, sorry, do you want, are we...” Robbie ran out of coherent words. James grinned although Robbie could see that he was still nervous,

“I don’t know; let’s just see what happens, shall we?” and James leaned forward and kissed Robbie again, another of the demanding undoubtedly masculine kisses that went straight to Robbie’s prick. Eventually, James leaned back slightly, his eyes darkened by arousal and smiled,

“Seriously, we should get to bed, preferably as soon as possible.” Robbie couldn’t but agree,

“You all right if I go in the bathroom first?” Robbie asked, 

“Sure.”

Robbie was as quick in and out of the bathroom as he could be. He considered having a quick shave while he brushed his teeth and then decided against it, worried that he was making this whole thing into too big a deal, he knew from experience that it was likely, possibly more than likely that James would find himself hampered by memories. Just as he left the bathroom he confronted the image in the mirror and marvelled again that someone as beautiful as James could possibly want him in any way.

James had turned off the main lights in the room when Robbie came out of the bathroom and he was almost silhouetted against the yellow glow of the bedside light as he sat on the bed. Robbie noticed with some concern that James was back to chewing at his thumbnail, a sure sign of nerves, he steeled himself to ask the question,

“You OK? There’s nothing to worry about, you know, we’ll only ever do what you want us to do.” James smiled and stood up,

“I’m not worried, I won’t be long, don’t get cold.”

The last time Robbie could remember feeling like this was on his wedding night, he remembered the suddenly charged feeling of taking off his clothes; it was something he did every night but tonight, it seemed a ridiculously intimate thing to be doing. Should he strip off completely? Just to pants and t-shirt like normal. _Oh, pull yourself together, man_ he thought, _it’s not like it’s the first time you’ve shared a bed, is it? Just do what you normally do._

When James came out of the bathroom Robbie was lying almost on his back but still turned slightly away from the bathroom door and he didn’t see that James had opted for no clothes until he walked round the bed. Robbie stared unabashed at James as he sat on the bed and turned to face him. Robbie had never seen James like this, naked and unashamed. _Not that he has anything to be ashamed of,_ Robbie mused, _he’s bloody gorgeous, look at him._ James appeared to like Robbie’s scrutiny of his body and his slightly nervous smile deepened into a grin that made Robbie’s breath catch in his throat and invited him to look his fill. Robbie’s gaze travelled the length of the lad pausing over his groin while Robbie’s mouth watered at the thought of kissing James’ beautiful prick and at his mouth before looking James straight in the eye. The two men held each other’s gaze for long moments until Robbie was so staggered by the intimacy of it all that he had to break the tension,

“Bloody hell, James, now I feel over-dressed!” he said.

“Well,” James grinned, “that’s easily dealt with isn’t it?”

Robbie nodded in agreement and quickly stripped off the briefs and t-shirt he was wearing. A small part of Robbie’s mind that was still coherent thought that he ought to feel self-conscious but he didn’t, it was impossible when this incredible man was looking at him with such clear desire. 

James settled next to him and his hand ghosted down Robbie’s arm before grasping his hand and bringing it to his mouth. It was somehow such a formal gesture, the delicate kiss to the palm of the hand. They had kissed so many times and this was so chaste that Robbie was surprised by the effect it had on him, he could feel himself hardening in a way that he had never previously allowed himself to with James for the fear of overwhelming the lad. He saw James’ eyes flick downward to his groin and he blushed almost but not quite from embarrassment. When James spoke his voice was deeper than usual and there was a catch in his breathing,

“I can’t believe I have that effect on you, Robbie. I can’t believe that I’m so lucky.” and then he shuffled slightly closer and kissed him. Robbie lost himself in the demands made of him by that kiss, this was James taking what he wanted, nipping with teeth, unashamedly pushing Robbie down into the soft pillow, exploring every part of Robbie’s mouth. When James pulled away Robbie let out a moan in protest which abruptly tuned into a moan of another kind as James started to nip at the muscle between his shoulder and his neck. James began to speak between tiny, biting open mouthed kisses,

“I want,” he said, “to make you come. I want to watch you come. I want to feel your prick twitch in my hand, I want to feel your balls tighten just from me holding and stroking you, I want to feel your come on my hand. Will that be all right?”

If Robbie had been capable of speech he might have said, “Just carry on talking like that, it won’t be long,” but coherent speech had long since left him and his response was to pull James down into another kiss. James however had other ideas, after a moment he sat up slightly, propping himself up on his right elbow as he reached across and gently touched Robbie’s nipple, noting with a small smile the almost instant reaction, he switched to scratching around it before quickly nipping and letting go. 

“Bloody, bloody Hell,” Robbie gasped,

“You liked that? Good,” James replied before he leaned forward and sucked on the other nipple for a moment and when Robbie gasped at the sensation he could feel James’ lips turn up in a smile.

“God, James if you really want what you said you wanted, you need to leave off that, or be bloody quick!”

“You’re eager then?” James grinned as he leaned behind him and picked up a bottle of lotion, “I hope this will be all right,” he said as he poured a little into his hand. He sat up and scooted down the bed slightly and then he drifted his hand down Robbie’s side and then across to trace infinitely slowly through the line of hair down the centre of Robbie’s stomach. “You are sure?” he asked.

“I don’t seem like I’m sure?” Robbie asked,

“I need to know that you really want this, not just to guess it from your body’s reactions.”

“Yes, I want this; I want you, now, forever.”

“Good,” James murmured before he slid his palm over Robbie’s hard prick, murmuring, “you’re so beautiful like this, I’ve wanted to touch you for so long.” James’ gentle stroking was as tantalising as hell to Robbie and he tried every distracting tactic he could think of to avoid thrusting into James’ hand, in the end the words spilled out of him,

“Harder, please, James!” 

“You want me to hold you more firmly?” he asked, and grasped much more firmly, setting up an almost rhythm with his hand that had Robbie clutching at fistfuls of the sheets and swearing under his breath. James leaned up and reached to cup Robbie’s balls in his other hand, gently and repeatedly squeezing and pulling at the same time adding in a swipe of his thumb at the very tip of Robbie’s prick every so often that made him moan and swear. 

When James sensed that Robbie was almost there, he shifted slightly so that he could clearly see Robbie’s face. James had thought that Robbie was beautiful from the first moment he had seen him but that was nothing to how he looked now lost in passion, straining for release. _I’m doing this to him, I’m making him feel like this,_ James thought and suddenly he needed to urge Robbie on,

“Come for me, Robbie,” he said as his hand grasped harder and moved just that little faster, “I want to see you come, I want to feel you.” It was James’ arousal deepened voice which finally tipped Robbie over the edge, and he came hard and fast over himself and over James’ hand. 

James was slightly shocked by the force of Robbie’s climax and he rejoiced in it. Suddenly he wanted everything. Robbie sat up slightly looking intently at James and James knew that Robbie was checking that he was all right, worried that he might have done something that freaked James out. Figuring that actions speak louder than words and giving in to both desire and curiosity, James locked eyes with Robbie and began to clean up his hand with his tongue and mouth. The taste was something like he remembered and nothing like he remembered and he suspected the difference was some essentially ‘Robbie’ savour. When his hand was clean and still with his eyes on Robbie until the last moment James ducked down and cleaned Robbie in the same way. Over stimulated as he was Robbie moaned as James’ lips and tongue touched his prick before James moved up over his stomach and chest, lapping at Robbie’s skin before he wormed his way up the bed and kissed him. When they broke apart Robbie fixed James with a wondering look,

“Bloody hell, James, that was ... what was that?”

“That was me deciding that I’ve been scared long enough,” James said before he leaned in for another long kiss, “that was me deciding that I’m an adult who’s in charge of how I feel and that bastards should no longer be allowed to win. That was me wanting to show you how much I love you.”

“I know how much you love me,” Robbie replied, “but thank you.” Robbie sat up slightly to kiss James again before continuing, “Turnabout’s fair play!” as he went to roll James over onto his back. It was all James could do not to shout in frustration when he felt his muscles tighten and the adrenaline hit and he was unable to stop himself resisting Robbie’s attempts to push him down into the pillows. James really did not want to ruin what had just happened,

“No, really I’m fine, I just wanted to do that for you,” he said in a way that Robbie found singularly unconvincing,

“But, James,” 

“No, seriously, Robbie, I don’t think I could cope, I’m sorry.” James hated having to admit that, he felt stupid and young and wretched and everything had been going so well.

Robbie could sense all the uncertainty rushing back to engulf James and he allowed himself to fall back onto the pillows and dragged the still tense James with him,

“Eh, pet, there’s nothing to worry about, remember, what you want, when you want. I just didn’t want to seem selfish.” Robbie could feel James relax slightly and better yet he could feel a small smile forming where James’ face was tucked into his shoulder as Robbie gently stroked his back before he continued to speak, “That was the most ridiculously sexy thing that’s ever happened to me, God, James, really.” Inwardly Robbie cursed the fact that he didn’t have a sufficient vocabulary to express what he meant. James fixed on the first part of what Robbie had said,

“You’re the least selfish person I’ve ever met,” he said quietly, before he shuffled up slightly to kiss Robbie again, a slow tender kiss that let Robbie know that James was calming down. When James came up for air he spoke again, “we should get some sleep; I’m looking forward to the tour of the sites of your misspent youth!”

 

Robbie was relaxed in a way he hadn’t been for far too long and although he tried to remain awake so that he could make sure that James was really all right but he was soon asleep. At first he wasn’t sure what had woken him up, all he knew was that suddenly he was completely awake, adrenaline coursing through his veins, shouting, “What?” and not knowing why. It soon became obvious as James thrashed about clearly having a nightmare. 

Robbie’s first thought was to wake him but when he thought for a second he decided that it would be better if he could just gentle James back into a dreamless sleep, with luck the lad wouldn’t even remember the nightmare and James at least wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that what they’d done that night had given him bad dreams. Cautiously Robbie turned and reached out slowly for James’ arm. At the first contact James thrashed even more and Robbie found himself making shushing noises like he’d done years before when he’d tried to sooth Mark or Lyn back to sleep and slowly James relaxed and his breathing steadied as he sank further into sleep. Robbie however was thoroughly awake now, awake and worried. 

Throughout their time together he’d insisted that they take things at James’ pace and he still knew that was the right thing but he also knew that the relationship couldn’t be one sided, that it wouldn’t be good for either of them. And also he wanted James. If he let it his mind ran riot with the different ways he wanted James. What they’d done earlier had been fantastic but Robbie couldn’t get past the fact that it would have been better if James had let him reciprocate, he’d ended up feeling a little like a duty that James had fulfilled. _It’s not going to be easy for him, not at the start but if we never start we’ll never get past that start to the good bit. I suppose he was upfront about things tonight and damn if that wasn’t as sexy as fuck, perhaps I should just do the same, isn’t that what all the women’s magazines say, that direct communication is the way to go? See how we both feel in the morning, at least he doesn’t seem to be dreaming any more._ And Robbie was surprised by how much he wanted to keep James safe from those nightmares. Slowly and gently, so as not to wake him he adjusted how they were both lying until he was cradling James and drifted off to sleep.

 

The next morning James woke first, he was by nature an early riser, but instead of getting up he remained in bed, lying on his side, watching Robbie sleep. When Robbie woke half an hour later he opened his eyes to find himself the object of James’ concentrated gaze,

“You OK?” Robbie asked,

“I’m fine, you?”

“I’m more than fine, come here.” Robbie’s voice was slightly hoarse and the sound of it sent a wave of desire through James, his mind was suddenly awash with thoughts of what he could do with this man. James moved slightly, just enough that he could push Robbie over onto his back and kiss him slowly and gently. The kiss did not remain slow and gentle, quickly James had Robbie pinned down and was again nipping at his neck and shoulders. Robbie could feel James’ arousal and he wanted more than anything to make James come, to share what James had made him feel the night before. For a moment or two even with what he’d eventually decided last night Robbie contemplated just grabbing but the last thing he wanted was to put James off. He found it difficult to articulate with James kissing and biting in ways that Robbie was sure would leave livid purple marks of ownership, but he forced himself,

“James?” he began, flushing with embarrassment and desire and just the slightest apprehension which came from the feeling that he sometimes had of how far out of his league James was

“Mmm?”

“I want you.” James paused and the momentary apprehension in his eyes was unmistakable. Robbie almost stopped at that look, but he knew he owed it to both of them to carry on, “I want you in my mouth, can we do that?”

It was impossible to disentangle all the expressions that passed over James’ face, desire, fear, lust, confusion. James cleared his throat,

“I’m not sure. I want to, I really want to, I really want you, but I’m not sure, not sure I’ll be able to.” Robbie could hear the faint note of panic in James’ voice hidden though it was in the desire which Robbie could also hear,

“Well, we can start and see how we go on, can’t we. Let’s make it as different as we can, shall we?” Robbie did not need to say different from what.

Robbie got up extricating himself from the bed clothes and the ridiculously long limbs of his lover but maintaining a grasp on James hand, tugging him towards the edge of the bed. Sensing what Robbie wanted James adjusted himself so that he was almost stood up, but still leaning on the edge of the bed. Robbie took a moment to just look at James. _He’s like a bloody Greek statue,_ Robbie thought, _all marble and clean lines and he’s mine._ With that thought Robbie sank to his knees and leant forward slightly to kiss James’ rapidly hardening prick.

James squirmed slightly as Robbie’s lips met the base of his prick and Robbie leaned back slightly,

“I’ll only do this if you want me to,” he said as he looked up into James’ face. James looked troubled,

“You can’t really want to ... do this ... can you?” Robbie grinned,

“It feels like I’ve always wanted to do this. I pretty much want you any way I can get you, but I _really_ want this. Are you OK?”

James looked down at Robbie and was amazed by how OK he was,

“Of course I’m OK!” he stuttered out. Robbie did not reply he just knelt up and continued the kissing he’d started but this time open mouthed, kissing and tasting in a way that left James breathless and unable to keep his hips completely still,

“That’s all right, bonny lad,” Robbie murmured, “show me what you want.” Robbie leaned nearer still to James and grasped his hips seemingly both as a reassurance and to steady himself. The proprietary grasp of Robbie’s strong hands made James moan softly and Robbie smiled and he echoed James’ words from the night before, “I can’t believe I have this effect on you.”

James was fully hard by this time and Robbie paused for a moment staring at James for just long enough that the younger man began to feel self conscious. James was on the point of speaking when Robbie moved forward again and took the head of his prick into his mouth and gently probed the tip with his tongue.

It was like nothing James had ever felt before and that thought was the last coherent thought he had as he looked down and saw Robbie, his Robbie who he’d wanted for so long slowly take his prick into his mouth, slowly oh, god, so slowly. James wrestled with an overwhelming urge to thrust forwards, held himself in check moment by moment, but then Robbie let go his tight hold on James’ hip and reached up to drag one of James’ hands to rest on his head. James took this as the permission it was as he knotted his fingers into Robbie’s hair and reflexively moved his hips, pushing further into Robbie’s mouth. Robbie responded by stroking James’ prick with his tongue, moaning softly as he increased the pressure. Unable to help himself and not really wanting to James’ thrusts became more rapid although he maintained enough control to not to thrust too deeply, this wasn’t something that Robbie could possibly be used to. 

The feeling of James moving into his mouth was electric and Robbie was getting harder and harder himself. The possessive way in which James was holding his head and thrusting shallowly into him and when he looked up the way James’ own head was thrown back showing the pale column of his throat made Robbie feel powerful in a way that he hadn’t expected and the dynamic between that feeling of power and the fact that he was kneeling before his lover created a tension in Robbie that he could only express by taking James further into his mouth and by throaty moans.

Robbie blindly reached for James’ other hand and let him take over the rhythm of their movements concentrating instead on bringing as much pressure and stimulation as he could to James’ prick and feeling the tension build in James who was moaning in a way which only made Robbie want him more. James gasped,

“Robbie, stop, I’m going to come,”

Robbie knew that James wanted to warn him so that he could pull away, but it was suddenly the last thing that Robbie wanted, he wanted James to come in his mouth; he wanted everything. Still it was rather overwhelming when James did come, breathing his name over and over as his come surged into Robbie, filling his mouth as James held him so tightly that Robbie struggled a little not to choke. 

As Robbie pulled his mouth slowly from James’ prick the younger man slid down from his perch on the edge of the bed to the floor and pulled Robbie into his arms,

“Robbie, that was like nothing I’ve ever felt, I never knew ... it could feel like that ...” James stumbled over his words and Robbie kissed him interrupting whatever else he was going to say, revelling in the fact that he had reduced his loquacious sergeant to a stuttering, shuddering, beautiful mess. 

When he would have reached down to deal with his own arousal James intercepted his hand and substituted his own, stroking and pulling just a few times before Robbie spent over both of them. 

Neither of them was sure how long they spent on the floor tangled in each other’s arms and legs kissing almost languidly now both wrapped in thoughts of the other and how lucky they were to be here together against all the odds. It was Robbie who made the first move,

“Come on you, if we don’t get up and showered we’re going to miss breakfast. You go first,” he prompted James,

“I’d suggest we showered together,” James said as he got up, “but it the point of the exercise is to get us out of the room that probably wouldn’t work!” He reached out a hand to pull Robbie up and kissed him before heading to the bathroom.

Robbie sat on the bed, waiting for the pins and needles in his foot to go off thinking about what had just happened. He wasn’t going to kid himself that there wouldn’t still be hitches along the way, but he hoped that James would at least begin to feel more comfortable about the prospect of sex and the fact that James had been able to joke about them showering together was reassuring in and of itself.


	3. Chapter 3

And the weird thing about it was that suddenly Robbie felt shy. By the time the two of them were both showered, shaved and dressed he could barely bring himself to meet James’ eyes and James wasn’t doing much better as far as he could tell. It hadn’t occurred to Robbie that you could go from having your mouth round another man’s prick to feeling shy around him, but he definitely was. What on earth did you chat about after what they’d shared, that wasn’t going to sound trivial and stupid? That James seemed to be feeling the same way was only a very slight comfort.

They just about got down to the tiny dining room in time for breakfast and for the life in him Robbie couldn’t work out whether the lateness of their arrival or the fact that he had love bites on his neck was what was winding up the landlady, she was certainly giving them black looks. Perhaps it was all one thing to put ‘gay-friendly’ on your marketing material and get yourself mentioned on listing sites and another entirely when confronted by the evidence. Robbie found himself finely balanced between affront and amusement, knowing that James’ reaction would be what would decide him one way or the other. Thankfully James was inclined to find it humorous,

“Not all that gay-friendly then,” he remarked after she’d thumped a coffee pot down on their table and stalked away, “I think we may have frightened the horses.” James reached across and squeezed Robbie’s hand and just for a second all Robbie could think about was that hand on his prick and he blushed,

“No,” he agreed, eyes down cast and with his blush deepening, “happen it’s the age difference that’s got her wound up. She probably thinks I’ve corrupted you, old roué that I am.” Robbie tried for a smile as he looked back up into James’ eyes but he knew it hadn’t quite come off.

“Well, she’s got that the wrong way about, hasn’t she?” James asked with an equally unsuccessful attempt at a genuine smile. Robbie just had to ask,

“Are you OK, pet?”

“Yeah,” James said as he looked up, properly this time, “I’m more than OK. You?”

“I’m fine,” Robbie answered pausing before he continued, “it’s just all a bit overwhelming. It’s been a long time and it was so good,” Robbie blushed again, “and I love you so much and...” Robbie’s voice petered out as he saw James’ expression soften and change, he looked so young and vulnerable, for once the expressions clearly to be read on his often un-readable face. Robbie cleared his throat, “You know I love you, don’t you? I’ve said it often enough,”

“Yeah, I know, but it’s still good to hear it!” James smiled and reached for Robbie’s hand again, giving it a quick squeeze as the disapproving landlady brought them each a rather overdone ‘full English’. She paused at the table pointedly waiting and only put the food down when James let go of Robbie’s hand. Robbie flushed, not with embarrassment but with anger. James looked across the table at him with some trepidation and Robbie who knew that James did not cope well with anger from him forced himself to relax,

“You know I’m not one of public displays of affection but I might make an exception,” Robbie muttered, “I reckon we could really shock her if we put our minds to it.” James smiled, and Robbie looked at him, “We’ll be fine you know.”

“Yes, I know.”

 

When it came time to pay the bill Robbie was determined to say something to the landlady even though he knew or guessed that James would rather not have the scene. It was to Robbie’s mind a matter almost of false advertising, they had picked this B&B because it was listed as ‘gay friendly’, he’d picked it precisely because he hadn’t wanted James to feel uncomfortable and he was as mad as hell that she’d made James feel bad even for a moment.

“I’ll meet you out at the car,” Robbie said as they came out of their room, James hauling their suitcase.

“Robbie, please...”

“Don’t worry, pet, I’m not going to make a scene. I’ll be with you in a moment.” Reluctantly James went through the weirdly narrow double doors out into the car park. Robbie stepped up to the reception desk,

“I’d like to settle up.”

“Certainly, sir.” She replied with a snap to her voice that demonstrated her distaste. Robbie paid the bill with the minimum of fuss.

“Right,” he said, “now that’s done, I’d like a word about your attitude. Could you explain to me why you got yourself on a gay friendly list of accommodation when you’re anything but? This is the first time I’ve brought my boyfriend north of Birmingham and he has to run into you.” 

To be fair, thought Robbie, she has the courage of her convictions as the landlady drew herself up to her full height, 

“I really have nothing to say to what you get up to in your own room, sir, but public displays, really there are limits!”

“I know precisely what the limits are, madam,” Robbie replied, “it’s like the bloody nineteen-fifties.”

“Well, if you ask me,” she replied, “things were a lot better then!”

“What, really?” Robbie asked unable to keep the incredulity out of his voice, “It was better when people had to hide and pretend and be miserable?” Robbie shook his head not even waiting for a reply, “Get yourself de-listed from that site will ye, woman, no point making yourself or other people miserable, is there?”

 

James watched Robbie walk to the car and noted the anger which showed in his movements. Even though he knew that the anger was not directed at him he still caught himself inwardly cringing. Why the hell does this bother me so much, he wondered, I have no problem with people in general being angry, I can stand my corner in an argument or in a fight come to that, so why does his anger bother me so much? James forced himself to relax as Robbie got into the driving seat,

“Right, then!” Robbie said with a grin, “let’s get this show on the road, shall we?”

James answered Robbie’s infectious grin with one of his own,

“Did you put her right?” James asked as they pulled out of the car park.

“Away, there was no winning with that one,” Robbie sighed, “just asked her to get herself de-listed from that website. I’ll give it a week or two and then check.” James didn’t reply and Robbie knew he was thinking through what had happened. Robbie badly wanted to ask him what he was thinking but he knew from experience that James was best left to work through things at least for a while. 

“I’ve been as bad as her,” James blurted out.

“What?” Robbie asked,

“I said, I’ve been...”

Robbie interrupted, 

“I heard what you said, man, I just didn’t believe it. How have you been as bad as her?”

“The way I treated Will,” James began, only to be interrupted again,

“You told him what you honestly believed, didn’t you?” Robbie asked,

“Yes, I did, but it was an unexamined belief, it was what I was telling myself, what I told myself to keep my own feelings in check, I didn’t think about Will at all, I was thinking about me.”

“How old were you?” Robbie asked

“I’d have been twenty-two. Old enough to know better, that’s for sure.” Robbie could hear the bitterness in James voice. He’d known that they would have to deal with this at some point but he mentally cursed the landlady for making that time be now. Robbie drove on until he could find somewhere to pull over, it took a while to find somewhere that seemed safe and by the time he did find somewhere the silence had continued rather longer than Robbie would have liked.

When Robbie finally stopped the car, James was sat as far away from him as he could considering that they were sharing the front of the same car and determinedly staring out of the window, with every line of his body showing the tension he was feeling.

“Let’s talk about it, shall we?” Robbie asked, knowing full well that James did not want to talk but feeling for once that he needed to push at this if they were going to have the weekend he’d got planned.

“Not much to talk about, it is what it is.”

“I don’t think you’ve got a clear idea of ‘what it is’ though.”

“No?” James replied with a challenge and no little anger in his voice and his expression.

“No.” Robbie replied, taking a deep breath before continuing, “I don’t think you’re allowing enough for what you went through as a child.” 

James’ reaction was subtle, anyone less used to him could have missed it, Robbie was sure, but to him it was like he’d slapped the lad. This was the first time Robbie had referred to James’ abuse without James having brought up the subject himself and that was part of it, but also Robbie knew that James liked to think that he’d come out of the experience largely unscathed and to have someone, to have him, point out that one of the things he regretted most in his life might be a result of the abuse was very hard for him. Robbie pushed on,

“You had the teachings of your church told you it was wrong and you had what must have seemed like unanswerable proof that two men together was wrong, that it was a thing that caused pain and suffering and made people miserable, what else were you going to tell Will?” There was a long, long pause, with James determinedly staring out at the windswept countryside and Robbie staring at James. In the end James’ head sank to his chest and he spoke in a broken, choked whisper,

“If I’d told him almost anything else he’d still be alive.” and with that he broke into shuddering sobs, wrapping his arms around himself and rocking slightly. 

The rational part of Robbie labelled this as reaction, reaction to last night, reaction to bloody everything. The irrational part just wanted to make him stop crying, hated to see him so miserable,

“Oh, love, come here,” he said and gently pulled James into his arms as much as was possible in the front seats of a car. “’S OK,” he murmured, “it’ll be OK.” James continued to sob and Robbie knew that probably the best thing was for the lad to have his cry out, this had to have been coming for months probably building up from at least the day when James had told him about the abuse, if not from Will’s case. 

The windows of the car steamed up while James continued to cry but gradually his grief quieted and eventually he pulled away from Robbie rubbing his face and sniffing. Robbie knew what the first words out of his mouth would be and he was proved right,

“I’m sorry,” James began but Robbie cut him off straight away,

“Don’t be. You have a perfect right to feel miserable from time to time, we both do.” Robbie smiled at him and James returned a watery half smile before opening the glove box, looking Robbie thought, for a tissue. The packet he found looked more than a little the worse for wear but he extracted one, wiped his face and then blew his nose.

“Do you feel better?” Robbie asked. Again James answered him with an attempt at a smile,

“Yeah, a bit, thanks.”

“You’ve nothing to thank me for, bonny lad,” Robbie replied, taking a deep breath before he continued, “Tell me about Will?” James paused and Robbie thought he was probably going to refuse or turn away the question with an easy, short answer, but then James looked up directly into his eyes and began to talk,

“Will was my best friend from the day I met him until the day he told me he was gay. At the time I just thought he was my mate, with twenty-twenty hind sight I know I loved him and he loved me. I met him when his family moved into the area and he joined my school. He was in my form and my form tutor asked me to show him round, make sure he didn’t get lost, make sure that he found his way to the dining room at lunchtime. By that first lunchtime we were best friends.” James smiled a the recollection before he continued, “Friends hadn’t been a conspicuous part of my life. The other boys seemed to know that there was something peculiar about me, most of the time the best I could hope for was to be ignored. Will was different, he was gentle and funny and he didn’t seem to mind what the other boys said, hell, what some of the teachers said.”

“This would have been when I was eleven,” Robbie stifled a sigh, thinking of the young James and glad that he’d had at least one friend, “just when Augustus was losing interest and I was not doing well. Will put up with all my emotional ups and downs, he was the only one who noticed when I was ... unwell, he was the one that noticed when I hadn’t eaten for days. I think he loved me right from the start but I thought I knew what love was and this wasn’t it. As far as I knew love was one of two things, nervousness, fear and anger or pain and secrets; what I had with Will was support and laughs and togetherness, it’s no wonder I didn’t recognise it.”

“I went and stayed with Will’s family the summer we were both fourteen, it was a full on bloody idyll that summer, all golden corn fields and late nights looking up at the stars, or at least that’s how I remember it. And then Will told me he was gay. I was so frightened. When he said that I knew that I loved him, more than that, I knew that I wanted him and I was horrified with myself, how could I possibly want to inflict on him what Augustus and others had done to me, what kind of a friend, what kind of a human being was I? Will stood there and looked at me, hope and love shining out of him and I laughed, I laughed because I thought he didn’t have a clue what he was talking about; the longing I could see on his face had nothing to do with what I knew.”

“You’d think that any nightmares I have would feature Augustus or any of the others, that time in the back of the van perhaps, but mostly these days I see the light dying in Will’s face that afternoon before he ran away from me. I stayed to the end of the week but I couldn’t cope, hell, even me fancying him had made him miserable and I hadn’t even laid a hand on him. It was certainly the proof I needed to convince me that a life of celibacy in the priesthood was the way to go.

"Stability was not the word that you would come up with for my home, after we left Crevecoeur we lurched from disaster to disaster, getting away to University was above anything just a tremendous relief. I can't tell you how good the order and routine were. The rowing made it even better, all of my time was organised and controlled without me having to make any particular decisions. Towards the end of my time at Cambridge I began to think 'what next?' My mum had always wanted me to be a priest, it's not uncommon for a good Catholic mother," here James managed a smile, "and as far as I could see it would solve so many problems. I believed and while I didn't exactly feel 'called' like I should, I thought I could work on that.”

"And then I was at the seminary. It was so comforting, like Cambridge had been." James paused, and Robbie knew that he was looking for the right words, trying to make sure that what he was saying was clear. "As a properly brought up Catholic lad who'd then studied theology it was just so comfortable, nothing needed any thought, I could drift through it all untouched by everything and you know, for a little while it felt great, it really did. Then one night, out for a walk I met Will.

"You know what I said to Will, I'll never forget the words; I only wish I could. At the time I really thought what I said was true, you have to believe that," James looked up from the contemplation of his hands to meet Robbie's eyes,

"I know you did, bonny lad,"

"Will didn't tell me about The Garden, that was Jonjo, later. He actually came to the seminary. He was so angry and he told me about Will and Feardorcha and The Garden and like I told you before I'd just had a talk with my spiritual director where he'd said the abuse was a gift and suddenly I could see things so much more clearly. I tried to find Will but that must have been when Feardorcha went to Brazil and I couldn’t find him and Jonjo and his other friends felt I’d done enough damage, it was a wall of silence and if I’m honest I don’t think I tried that hard.

“So there it is Will McEwan: my part in his downfall,” James tried for a smile but didn’t quite pull it off. Suddenly Robbie was struck by the inversion in him hearing James’ confession; what absolution could he give the lad he wondered. 

“It wasn’t your fault, you know, The Garden was what it was. The Reverend King knew Will well, knew what he was going through and still did what he did, and it was clearly something that was on his mind, I’m sure you’ve met other acquaintances while out for a walk and none of them have asked you about God’s view on homosexuality. I honestly don’t think it was your faith that was Will’s problem; I think it was his own. The only thing you can do now, that we can do now is to be, ourselves, so that people little by little learn what Will said, ‘Love is never wrong’. 

“So,” James said with a more genuine smile, “we’re going to be ‘out and proud’ are we?”

“Well,” Robbie said seriously, “I think it’s a goal we can work towards, certainly. I’ll be retiring in this next twelve months, so we could certainly aim to have the last few months working together and then just stop worrying so much and let people make their own minds up. What do you think? You’ve more to lose than me, and we don’t have to, I’ll pretty much take you on any terms, I think you know that.” James didn’t reply immediately and when he began to chew on his thumbnail Robbie knew for a surety that James was properly considering what he’d just said. Finally he spoke,

“You know I’ve never really been happy hiding this, but if we’ve only got a few more months of working together then I think we should make the most of those. As to what I’ve got to lose, not much, really. Like I said before I wouldn’t have a career if it wasn’t for you, and you know now I think I can fight for it if I need to.”

“So, is that settled then?” Robbie asked.

“Yeah.”

 

They’d booked a room at The Grey Street Hotel, city centre and four-star, it wasn’t like they often went away, and with the late start and the long time they spent parked up it was mid afternoon by the time they got there.

“Do you want to go out and do some sightseeing?” Robbie asked but James couldn’t but notice the infinitesimally brief glance at the bed,

“Well, we could do that tomorrow. I’m fairly sure we can find a way to make our own entertainment can’t we?” Robbie looked up at James, trying to be sure that he meant what he thought he meant, only to find James staring at him with obvious lust in his eyes. Robbie swallowed. “Come on,” James said and walked round the bed and pulled Robbie into his arms.

James ran his fingers through Robbie’s hair and gently pulled Robbie’s head back before kissing him. For a moment Robbie knew an urge to fight James, to fight but not to win, to have the feeling of James overpowering him, but he didn’t want James to feel for a second that he was reluctant; James allowing himself to behave like this was too new to risk putting him off. Perhaps, Robbie thought James had already picked up on what he wanted as the kiss was far more demanding and soon James was biting and sucking at Robbie’s neck in an incredibly possessive way that went straight to Robbie’s prick. 

Suddenly it seemed that the exposed skin that James could get to was not enough for him and he began to undress Robbie, his hands uncoordinated as he tried to unbutton Robbie’s shirt. Robbie wanted to tell him ‘bugger the buttons’ but he was too breathless, too caught up in feeling of James’ teeth against his skin. In the end the Robbie’s need for them both to be naked became too much and he pulled away from James slightly, 

“Let me,” he said with, his arousal clear in his voice. James took the cue and quickly started removing his own clothes. And then they were both of them stood together, naked and hard. Robbie swallowed, “I can’t actually believe that this is us,” he stuttered out, “that after everything I get,” he paused and swallowed again, “that we get each other. We might never have met, Innocent might have sent someone else to pick me up, Knox might have stuck to lemonade...” Robbie’s voice petered out, as James walked towards him until they were touching and further until he’d backed Robbie into the bed and pushed him backwards, until he slowly and gently pulled his body over Robbie’s, baring his neck.

Determined this time, Robbie parted his legs, his hands on James’ arse pulling them as close together as they could get in this position. It felt like a reward to him as James began to thrust against him and he adjusted his position ever so slightly so that their pricks were rubbing together with each thrust. It wasn’t quite enough Robbie realised and again he adjusted his position, rolling James slightly over to his side so that he could get his hand around both pricks together. The low moan that James gave spurred Robbie on to action and he began to stroke both of them. It didn’t take long; James came first with Robbie not long behind him. Robbie half heartedly thought that they should get up and clean up but James curled himself up leaning on him and it was easier to let himself drift into a doze with the comforting warmth of James against him.

 

It felt completely weird to be back in Newcastle and with James at that. They hadn’t made it out of their room on Sunday, calling for room service when they’d woken up and lounging in bed watching the television through the evening. When he’d woken up on Monday morning Robbie felt so refreshed, that he realised that he’d needed that long lazy Sunday afternoon and evening. As he looked at James who had lost the bluish tinge under his eyes it seemed that he probably hadn’t been the only one.

Although they didn’t expect the same reaction they’d got in the B&B the two of them tacitly decided again on room service for breakfast, making sure they were fully dressed by the time the food arrived, not Robbie reflected that it was hard to work out, there was after all only one bed. Ten o’clock saw them out on the street, ready to look around the town. 

They spent the morning seeing the sights of the town, but that wasn’t really why Robbie had brought James up to Newcastle, what he really wanted was to show James the scenes of his youth, although he wasn’t really sure why. So he took him out of the town centre and showed him the primary school he went to, the secondary school had gone, caught up in a government rebuilding scheme a few years ago. They walked past the terraced house where he’d lived when he was tiny, 

“What sort of kid where you?” James asked. Robbie thought for a moment,

“Nothing special,” Robbie said and James gave him a disbelieving smile that he found distinctly flattering. “I suppose I was always a nosey bugger, got me in trouble more than once. I guess I was easy to ignore so I heard things, especially at school, made me into a proper little gossip for a while.” 

“Did you have lots of friends?” James asked.

“Early on I did, later a bit like you; most of the lads seemed to sense that there was something a bit off about me. According to Lyn there were rumours about me way back when I first met Val. Her mother told her,” he clarified when he saw James’ puzzled expression. “Can’t say I got a lot of hassle about it, but I probably had Val to thank for that.”

“I’m glad you were so happy together,” James said reaching out to grasp Robbie’s hand briefly, “I hope I can make you as happy.”

“You already do.”

 

So much of the town looked the same and so much of it was different, with things demolished, rough areas gentrified and posh parts of town getting seedier. It struck Robbie as completely peculiar that he could get turned around if not actually lost in parts of the town that had changed so much. Down by the river where they ended up at the end of the afternoon was completely different. The Baltic had been just an old industrial complex, more warehouse than working building when Robbie had last lived here and the Sage hadn’t even been built let alone the Millennium Bridge. But the view along the river to the Tyne Bridge and further to the swing bridge was still very familiar.

The wind was picking up as the night was drawing on. For a moment James dug his hands into the pockets of his coat, glad of its warmth in his nervous state.

"Well," Robbie asked, "we ought to go across, do ye think? For the experience?"

James smiled. One of the most endearing things about the whole trip had been listening to Robbie's accent come back with a vengeance. Well, he thought, this is it, couldn't ask for a more romantic place really, the symbolism of a bridge couldn't be better. James' smile broadened as he replied,

"Yeah, let's, the view should be amazing back to the Tyne Bridge." 

James was right about the view, Robbie thought as he paused to look back down stream. In the late dusk the lights on the bridge looked brighter even than they would in full dark and the clear sky, skirted round with high cloud showed the silhouette of the iron work curve of bridge in precise detail. Robbie realised there were still bits of his home town that he missed and weirdly even though Oxford was very much a river town, the Tyne was one of them. It was a working river, even now, where the Thames at least in Oxford was more for leisure.

The bridge was quite quiet, just a few pedestrians, which James felt could only be a good thing for what he had in mind, too late for the sight seers and too early for the arts crowd heading for the Sage he supposed. James was conscious of the adrenaline in his system heightening everything, the lights were brighter and he could hear the lap of the water. The cold seemed to be colder but he was sure that the shivers he was trying to repress were unconnected with the actual temperature. His sight seemed more acute, everything picked out in crystal clarity.

As they got to the middle of the bridge James paused,

"Let's take in the view for a minute or two," he said and when he looked to Robbie for an answer he suddenly noticed that his expression was slightly strained, that he looked nervous, "are you OK, love?" he asked. In the twilight it was hard to tell but James thought that Robbie might be blushing,

"D'ye know, that's the first time you've called me 'love' or anything like that?" It was James' turn to blush,

"It can't be, can it? Surely I must've?"

"No," Robbie confirmed and he looked up at James seemingly with everything he was exposed to view. It took James' breath away,

"Well," he said, "you are. You're the love of my life, Robert Lewis; you're my proof that God loves his creation. It was like my life started when I met you, everything else was a preparation and if you were the prize at the end then it was, all of it, well worth it."

James didn't know what he expected Robbie's reaction to this to be, mostly because saying it had been nothing he'd planned. He was fairly sure though that he didn't expect Robbie to look like someone had just punched him in the gut nor did he expect him to be breathing as though someone had winded him. James coloured but forced himself not to look away,

"Have I said too much, I'm sorry if I have, but that is how I f..."

Robbie interrupted him,

"No, James, God, no, bonny lad, you haven't said too much, it's just that generally people don't say things so directly." Robbie paused and rubbed his face before he continued, "There's nothing I can say that'll be the equal of that. I love you James, you gave me back my life with your friendship all those years ago and now you've given me back my heart with your love." 

James knew that now was the time if he was ever going to do it. He’d expected to be nervous but suddenly all he really felt was a sureness that this is what should happen now.

“Robbie,” he began and then cleared his throat, “Robbie, I haven’t got a ring or anything but will you marry me?”

“Of course I will,” Robbie said and oblivious to the rest of the world round them they kissed.


End file.
